Monday, November 06, 2006

Touching a mirage

Ever since I am seconded to Sydney alone earlier October, strolling at Darling Harbor has become one of my favorite after dinner routine pastime.

Last night, I saw a group of students gathered in front of Imax theatre. Their laughter mingled with noise, made me wondered 18 degree Celsius temperature (supposedly it’s summer now but God knows what human has done to the climate??) coupled with drizzling have no impact to their excitement at all? It seemed not obviously.

That reminded me my first school organized trip to Penang.

I was 14. My pocket money was just sufficient to cover the bus fare and I knew I had no spare money to buy food. Still I decided to go and planned to skip all meals for that over night trip. When my fellow classmates asked me to join them for meals, I pretended to be very fussy with food and hidden myself until the meal time was over. That had no impact on my excitement to the trip too. Eventually I managed to move from Kedah and settled down in Penang to nestle my own family.

I love traveling since I was a teenager. Thanks to God that I have the opportunity to have my evening strolling in one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

Having said that, although I was “Rubbing shoulders” in the crowd, surrounded by music and perfume, deep down inside I feel dead lonely in the busy CBD of Sydney. I saw shadows of my children whenever I saw teenagers passing by. Loving couples walking hand in hand, that put a little lock to my eyebrows and my hands sneak in my pocket inadvertently. I do have a loving wife, who may be experiencing the same emptiness at that very moment.

My head held high and it was the falling rain that wet my glasses.

Dear Lord, again, I don’t really know what I want. My journey in the world is just a dream. My persistency in chasing a vivid dream seems like toughing a mirage. The emptiness behind the glaring fantasy makes all ambitions loose their significance. Ironically, I have been laughing at people who chase their own tails; perhaps I should locate my own meticulously.

Dear Lord, you blessed me with three lovely children and I believe you have “programmed” me to give them the best I could possibly deliver. That’s all I know and that is the most obvious purpose of my life at this juncture of time.

I pray for your guidance.

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